After the teacher store, we headed over to Wal-Mart for some spirals and a glue stick. I started feeling funny. Then I realized I was bleeding. I put myself on bed rest for the remainder of the day as soon as we got home and called the doctor. We did most of our school activities in my king sized bed together and I managed to fill out my lesson planner for the week while my back began to hurt and I started cramping.
This morning, with the cramping getting worse, I headed in to the doctor's office with a dread of the news I was to get. Some part of me still hoped that it was fixable with some medicine and maybe a little bed rest. I knew when they did the ultrasound and the baby was no-where to be found that the little guy had died. Doc said that it happened about two weeks ago from the size of what was left of him. He said it was probably chromosome abnormality and may have been prolonged by the progesterone shots I have been taking since week 5 after that last photo I saw of him. He gave me some narcotic pain meds and iron pills and said to stay close to home for a few days before heading over to the lab for final blood testing. He canceled my next appointment and sent me on my way.
The kids really took it hard. Kev took the day off from work and had a good cry. I have been on and off with the tears, but the pain medicine is taking the edge off of my emotions as well as the rest of the process. Needless to say we didn't get any first day of school photos yesterday... nor did we do any school today. If I didn't have tuna steak in the fridge, I wouldn't be cooking dinner tonight, either. Kev went to the store to get a few groceries and my mom (who went with me to the doctor to watch the kids) is napping. None of us got much sleep last night. Even my little one, Morgan, was up worrying about Mommy and slept on the floor beside my bed last night.
Hopefully tomorrow we can start over again and try to re-start this week. I know that I am certainly not the only woman who has had a hope dashed in this way before. It is amazing how much you can miss a teeny tiny little person you have never even met! We've been calling little "Shannon" our angel lately. Kaden had a dream about him last night, so we decided it really must have been a boy. He said he was about 4 and running around hugging everyone. One day, I hope I get to hug him back. A beating heart - even if it is only beating for a short few weeks - must have a soul attached somewhere.
Yesterday morning - almost as a goodbye to my little boy - I had been singing "Glory Baby" by Watermark in the car (along with all my other favorite Watermark songs on that same CD). I didn't even know he was gone at the time. I felt such peace. I know God was with me the whole time. Even today when the doctor was silent as he searched again for another sign of life on the screen before telling me the news... I felt peace. That is peace that defies understanding. I don't know how anyone could survive life's disappointments without it.
Isaiah 53:4 ~ Surely He took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted.
Job 1:20 ~ At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship 21 and said:
"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
and naked I will depart. [c]
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised."
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